And in the last month (I took only 6 actual days off–the rest were pre-planned, school-wide holidays) I have learned that once you are scared out of what wits you have, it is tough coming back.
Now I adore my morning class. They are older, they work like field hands and they trust me. If I tell them it will take them a year to get from point a to point b, they believe me. Clearly, thaey are not part of the “I wanna be a rock star” generation. The successes we share are celebrated by all of us. Each man encourages the other and they work together…drill each other on flash cards, give each other practice spelling tests. It is a great class. One of the best of my career simply because they are old enough to make goals, chop them up in do-able pieces and willing to work toward that goal.
Now my chop ‘er up class….I doubt I will be seeing them again. THAT is a mob. Sure there are a few good ones in there, but they are overwhelmed by the bad ones. And I am exhibiting the same nut case behaviors that are appropriate to the threat. Can’t sleep. If I do sleep, my dreams are all dangerous. I don;t want to be around people. I’m losing weight (see, there is an upside) because I can’t keep food down. (Note to self. Don’t be drinking red Crystal Lite. It is simply too alarming.)
Am I scared?
Do I think these “few” inmates could possibly injure me?
I believe that even three of them could do some serious damage to me…maybe not kill me because I think that takes about 7 minutes to actually do what they have planned AND hide what is left of me. But the hurting part? Yeah, they have plenty of time to swarm me, overpower me and hurt me. And we don’t dicker for hostages here. Once you are in, you are in for the duration. I’m not without training, but it is mainly stay alive long enough to finger the bad guys training. It’s not escape training. And believe me, THAT figures greatly in my dreams.
So of course, I looked all this stuff up on the www(world wide waste of time) and what I’m feeling is appropriate for my situation. And as odd as that sounds, it is comforting the know that I’m not singularly nuts. I’m normal nuts.
And going back IS an option. The way it works here is that if I want to leave, too bad, sooo sad you couldn’t take the heat. However, if it’s the idea of the department? Whole ‘nother thing. They can change dates, strong arm my other pension plan to make everything end on the same day and the more I wring my hands, the higher the ante goes.
SO here I sit…sleepless, scary nights, hiving up and just waiting for the nursery to open so I can work in my little yard.
Trust me, this will all unknot and unravel itself. You just can;t be in a big hurry and be yanking on the yarn overmuch. Just patiently fiddle with it and bingo! one day, you have a nice ball of unknotted yarn.
It just takes time.