I don’t knit for Christmas

Knitting for me is the Zen of my existence. It is the white noise that enables me to enter into the belly of the beast every morning. I actually had a conversation with my son about this today about my chances of getting murdered at work. Every day I don’t increases the chances that I will. That’s what I get paid a cartload of money for and have a cartload of insurance.

So last week, when I was THINKING about knitting some little holiday sweater ornaments for people in ple in the office I made one up, just to see how long it would take, since I have the yarn. (It was supposed to be for a little wrap sweater for Lisi, only Full Metal JACKASS found it every place I hid it and now there isn’t enough for a sweater.)

It took 2 hours and 32 minutes to make a very cute cute very cute little miniature sweater ornament. Knitting at top speed, which IS NOT ZEN KNITTING. That, my friends, is BUSINESS KNITTING. Times the 13 people I need to gift by Wednesday, because you never know when someone will up and decide not to come in…32 hours of Zen knitting time I will never get back. So forget that silliness.

So I went to Target, got some little felt snowman stockings, stuck some candy bars in them for the gals, little bags of dilled nuts for the guys and there you go. $15 and 15 minutes.

Then there are family gifts. This year we agreed on no gifts because we gave the gifts ahead of time…and darn nice ones they were.

Here is the way I usually do Christmas

  1. Get yourself a list. I can’t stress the planning enough. There must be a list. The list must be carefully considered. The list must be constructed weeks in advance when there is no pressure or panic. July is the perfect month. Plenty of money in July. Plenty of time in July.The list must not monkeyed with overmuch. My list contained SEVEN people in July. The list was sealed yesterday and contained TWENTY FOUR people.
  2. Do not fall prey to $99 items at Blockbuster, even if the guy at the counter says that these are the last two on the planet. No one needs them.
  3. At no time may anyone be allowed to make a trip to Rite Aide to get stocking stuffers. We don’t need any more stuff. We have enough stuff
  4. I know what Marji likes. Get that. I know what Pat likes. Get that. Wrap it and be done with it.
  5. Ben got a house and new linens (and right now, I’d like some new linens myself.) That is enough.
  6. Lisi got car insurance for a year, AAA for a year, rabies shots, neutering, dental work AND a microchip for Jack, plus a sewing box with all the fixings. Very cute, if I do say so my own self.
  7. Be honest. Take a reality pill. Look at the list. Ask yourself what the odds are that you are suddenly, in a busy season full of many other responsibilities, find anything that Mike needs/wants/doesn’t have
  8. The mitts and socks you made for your Pierce? THEY ARE FINE. That DAR bracelet? Fine-ola. Pack it already
  9. Ash and Mike WANT to go shopping. Money is fine. Get over it.
  10. You don’t care what Judy thinks ANYWAY. A bag of fruit is better than fine. She has 400 boxes of stuff and she just moved. She doesn’t need anymore stuff. If you are the sort of person who is going to be really, really , really hurt if your presents are not received at the Parrish household with the complete amount of enthusiasm with which they were purchased (none), you should probably forget them. Just go out to the car and rummage in the back and say you can’t find them.

.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I don’t knit for Christmas

  1. …Just go out to the car and rummage in the back and say you can’t find them….

    What a great idea! I love it!
    Then when I get home I can send them the fruit (as I never found the presents).

  2. Gosh, if you don’t want to buy presents, don’t. Since my family doesn’t live here anymore, I jsut get them bookstore gift certificates and am done with it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s