Depression is a terrible thing to live with. It sneaks up on you and POW! There it is, full blown and looking for a gun.
Unsettling at the very least. I usually am okay between Valentines Day and Halloween. The rest of the year, I have to hide the gun.
Coupled with a schizophrenic son (love him dearly but he is crazy) and a sober alcoholic (believe me, this is a DEAL BREAKER. I’m in it now, but if I knew then what I knew now, I wouldn’t have answered the phone).
Alcoholics, by nature, are selfish and self-centered to the max. That means the world revolves around THEM. All the time.
Mike and Ben had words about I don’t know what nor do I care, All I know is that Mike got his feelings hurt (the rest of the world has to stuff their feelings, put on their big girl panties on and suck it up).
Then he said he was going to just go live somewhere else.
Oh, please, If anyone is moving, it will be me and I think it will be to the Big House.
I cannot deal with an adult relationship if at every turn, Mike is planning to take off and live somewhere else. It certainly puts a kink in my emotional life.
So as unhappy as it may make him (and if we aren’t co-joined at the hip, he’s unhappy), I’m going to rebuild my life. I get the feeling that all I am is insurance and a paycheck, anyway. All the things I really love? Not important. The things I like to do? Less than important. My bedroom is my haven…I have my television, my needlework, my reading, my sewing and no one is smoking in here. I don’t LIKE smoking, even when I did it. I like it less that he smokes like a chimney and pretends that no doctor has ever mentioned it would be a good idea to stop. He gets up in the middle of the night to smoke. That, too, is a deal breaker.
And one more thing. He talks to his crew as if I am am an idiot. He was telling one of them the other day (I was patiently waiting in the car, waiting to go get a shot) that I spend all my money on myself, leaving him to try to meet the bills and payroll. That was totally the wrong thing to say. It is untrue and now his guys think I’m an idiot, too.
He has a very slight chance of surviving surgery on Monday and I’m not all torn up about it.
Of course, I have invoices and bills to get written today because even though I am an idiot, I’m still okay to do the shit work in the office.
I’m going shopping.