What Scares You?

Not much.

I worked in a maximum security prison for 15 years and there isn’t much I haven’t seen, read, witnessed or heard. Charles Manson? Every day and I can tell you, he is not the worst, which is sort of scary in and of itself.

I got hit by a truck in the fog. Didn’t kill me.

Got hit by a Cadillac in a hurry and went thru the windshield. Didn’t kill me.

I’ve been in two riots (by accident. They just sort of happened).

Been pepper sprayed more than once (again, just sort of happened).

Spent HOURS locked up by myself with murderers/kidnappers/mother rapers and father fuckers and father rapers and mother fuckers (song from the 60’s). Didn’t much scare me.

You know what did scare me? The father of my children, who, rest in peace, is dead now. He disappeared one day….went to work, got into his car at recess and disappeared. Three years later, we  saw him at his brothers funeral for about five minutes. Ben had gone done the hill to pay his respects and Jack jumped down his throat. Ben came back, got into the car and said “Drive”. We had just gotten Rocket and I don’t think Lisi even looked up. We both just trusted that Ben knew what he was talking about.

For years, I worried that he would show up in town and manage to get Lisi to go with him. I mean, he’s her FATHER. Ben and I finally got her to agree to never GO with him, but she could meet him as long as Ben was with her.

Eventually, we found that he had passed away. We went down to the coroners office in LA and picked up his belongings, several years after his death. We didn’t know and I just accidentally stumbled on him on the internet.

He wasn’t like that when I met him. He wasn’t like that when I chose him to father my children. He was funny and silly and dear….and he would pretend to be a Saharan lizard running in the hot sand.

But he had spent two tours of duty in Vietnam. He was a door gunner when he was 17,18 and 19. There were a lot f good men lost in that war and we still are losing them, every day. He was terribly damaged and at the end, I was afraid of him. I didn’t know him anymore and he scared the heck out of me.

And he doesn’t deserve that.

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2 thoughts on “What Scares You?

  1. ((((((((((((((((((chloe, ben, lisi)))))))))))))))))))
    Life just isn’t fair at times……..
    You all are lucky to have survived and thrived……

    Moving forward is the best…….we can’t change the past.

    Love you,
    ~C~

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