This is the worst time of year for me. It’s not even “a time” but an entire slice of the year. October to May, like clockwork. I take the dogs out in the morning in the dark, I take the dogs out in the evening in the dark. I hate driving in traffic. I pretty much hate having to deal with outsiders. My headaches are, if anything, worse with despair driving them. My family knows to just let me be….leave me notes about things I need to do and I will get them done….maybe at 2 am but done they will be.
I hate cooking, eating, cleaning…..going out is just too much trouble and driving anywhere is more than I can do. I spend six months all but underground, waiting for something better. I guess the antidepressants work, since I am still alive, but boy, is it a struggle. And when the fog comes in I almost want to give up. I can deal on that cold clear days but when the sky is an inch over my head and I can’t see the street? Major depression. (At least I don;t have little children or cows to feed.)
I used to have goals. I used to have dreams. Now instead of pursuing a career as a Pulitzer prize winning novelist, I spend my evenings reading or knitting or sewing. Play with the dogs. Sit on my veranda and water the plants. All that goal stuff goes on the back burner until the some comes out again.
So, what happened to my ambition? I guess it’s probably a combination of things. Here are the things that come to mind when I think of what might have crushed my hopes and dreams.
- Having children. They are wonderful, and I love them dearly. But nothing sucks the life out of you more than taking care of two young children…..well, maybe taking care of three or six, but I’m not going to find that out. I don’t regret having children. I just wish it didn’t zap every ambitious cell from my body.
- Befriending unnecessary people. That sounds cold, but after years of helping people who always seem to need something without giving anything in return has rendered me exhausted (and no, I’m not talking about my children). Don’t we all have those hangers-on who seem to draw energy from us in some way? I refer to this type of person as a succubus (yes, I know what the term really means, but I feel it still applies). I used to be the person who helped these people. Now, I’m in danger of becoming one myself if I don’t watch out.
- Getting wrinkles and age spots then gaining thirty pounds. It really doesn’t affect my ambition, I just wanted to gripe about it.
Life has a way or grating on you. The highs and lows can zap your energy and get you down if you let it. I plan for my new years resolution (even though it is months away) to get off my butt and chase at least one dream. Mostly, I’ll be focusing on making more money….which, yes, is one of my ambitions. Shallow? Yes. Lacking in spiritual meaning? Yes. An exercise in futility? Almost definitely. But you’ve got to start somewhere.
I’ll tackle the ambition thing tomorrow…or maybe next week.
I think Elle has gotten out of the prison just in time. Living that way really can toss some serious mojo your way.